No, I won't give away my real name.
Anyway this post is dedicated to me. Some things will be light, some will be heavy. I don't really have a tendency to melodrama though so I shouldn't even be talking about this but my friend insists that it's therapeutic. -Whatever-
I like blue, black, silver, white, green and any other "cold color".
I abhor red-orange. It's blinding.
I don't really have a pet, which is sort of sad because I've been asking for one since forever. My parents say no.
I have an iPod and to lose it would be to lose a LOT. It has over nine hundred songs right now. And I've listened to each and every one of them. And I take the time to rate them, fill out their artists (capitalized and all that) and their titles.
And there are of course, my problems. There is no such thing as a perfect life, after all.
I have issues with food. Big issues. I can never be diagnosed with anorexia because well, I'm not thin - and I'm at a perfectly healthy weight. This is because I often snap out of my anorectic spells with a bang. One day I decide to recover and I start eating again.
But after a few months, RELAPSE. And then the uphill battle again. It's a vicious cycle and I'm somehow stuck in it.
Then there's bulimia. Yes, I have that and yes, I can be clinically diagnosed with that. My knuckle has a wound because I oh-so-often shove my fingers down my throat and purge whenever I think I ate too much.
Before you go around slinging accusations at me for being whiny, superficial and anything else you might think, I want to say these things to you.
1.) I DON'T think it's a good idea to try and get rid of weight this way.
2.) Weight isn't the only issue here. People say it's about control but in my case it's a bit about perfectionism.
3.) You probably think I should tell someone. Ha. Not that easy. I live in a country where, unlike America, people believe EDs are self-inflicted. Do you have any idea what would happen if I told my parents I had one? They would tell me to stop looking for diseases, no doubt.
I don't get caught because I'm careful - overly so. The only people who notice are my classmates. And out of them, only one realizes how bad it is. The rest thing I'm being melodramatic. Why did they notice, you ask, if I'm so careful? Because there isn't any other way. Sometimes I manage to hide it, but sometimes...we all sit in one table - assigned. We're forced to go to the lunchroom whether or not we want to.
Our lunches are served in portions - all we have to do is claim them. So yes, it's easy to notice if someone doesn't finish their food or just pokes at it.
No, I'm not thin. In fact, I'm fat - and I'm not saying that because I have issues with food. I'm saying that because everyone says so. Yes, I've been told.
So naturally when Snoink from YWS told me what she was doing for her friend, I was eager to help. Because I know what it felt like. Horrible, sometimes. You just know you're going to die one day because of heart failiure but you just don't know when that damned day is.
I used to cry to sleep because I was afraid that I won't wake up the next day, or that a family member has died again. (I have about...five(?) dead uncles, and four dead grandparents. Nope, none left. Oh and a great-grandmother I liked died too. Joy of joys.)
There's only one other problem, but I think many people can relate to me on this scale.
My parents aren't getting along very well. No, they're not getting a divorce. Yes, it's been like this since the day I was born. And the fact that I have a little brother who seems to have inherited all the family talents is NOT helping me or my disease.
Writing is like an escape for me. However, I don't do poems or depressing angsty and whiny stories. I write happy ones.
No, I'm not miserable all the time. I'm as happy as the person next to you. And we all have issues. So I've said mine. There.
Kudos,
NJ Collins
